Insider’s knowledge wins hearts at No 10

But here are a few things humans could learn from us if they had sense. Make it clear who is boss: Did you see my press conference in which the new PM tried to muscle in and get the attention? Fat chance, Rishi! Be territorial.You do not need to follow our example and spray the boundaries, but now you are in No 10, make sure it is going to be very difficult for anyone to get you to leave. I like to dig my claws into anyone who tries to move me, all the while growling lovingly in their ear, but you just need to put your mark on the place.That Carrie woman had the right idea with the wallpaper but her tomcat husband never made the place his own. Divide and rule: Never let anyone bask on their laurels. Keep them constantly on edge.A friend, Mrs Peel, told me that in the early days of cohabiting with her servant Virginia there was a third party, Richard, also in the flat. Richard would leave in the morning and return in the evening (Mrs Peel was never sure what he did in between) and as soon as he got back she would climb on his knee.The two of them would sit there looking in triumph at Virginia, who was enraged by it all. Do this to your Cabinet, although best not to sit on a minister’s knee.Take plenty of cat naps: Your great Prime Minister Winston Churchill, who was almost worthy of being a cat himself, did that. Give presents to those who live with you, preferably still slightly alive so that they stir when someone thinks they are getting rid of the corpse. They might not like it but you will laugh your tail off!Be ready for your close-ups, as I was outside Number 10. But above all, be magnificent. Be mysterious. Always, but always, be more cat. Larry the Cat will have a new master at No 10 in Rishi Sunak (Image: Reuters)Yes, it is great that we have our first Asian and Hindu prime minister, but can we now at least hope for some glamour back in Number 10? Some people might think this is not the time to flash the cash, but it would not half cheer a lot of us up.Rather a lot has been made of the fact that Rishi’s wife Akshata is as rich as a fair few developing nations put together and we can only hope she shares the tastes of an extremely rich Indian family with whom it was once my great joy to work.I was invited to their Diwali party in Delhi and halfway through the evening, the women all changed not just their outfits but also their jewellery and believe me, those gems were practically visible from outer space.Clock the rocks, as Fergie apparently said on receiving an engagement ring from Prince Andrew. Bring on the bling!Thank goodness Penny Mordaunt did not get the Tory leadership. I wish Rishi Sunak all the luck in the world, but my goodness, he is going to need it. And the last thing those of us who like to promote the interests of women need just now is yet another female proving she is not up to the job. Mordaunt retained her position as Leader of the House of Commons in Rishi’s cabinet (Image: Getty)Are we finally seeing the return of common sense? NHS England has said that most children identifying as transgender are simply going through a ‘transient phase’.Well of course they are as anyone with an iota of common sense has been saying over the past five years. It has always been accepted that some little girls go through a tomboy phase, while their brothers are fascinated by mummy’s dressing up box: it means nothing and will pass.Just pity the poor children who have already been physically maimed by extremists with their own pernicious and dangerous agenda and will never fully recover. Is it too much to hope that these people will be brought to court?It would take a heart of stone not to laugh. Sacheen Littlefeather, the Native American activist who refused Marlon Brando’s Oscar on his behalf at the 1973 Academy Awards, and who has just died aged 75, has been revealed as… half-Mexican, half-white, with a real name of Marie Louise Cruz.Nothing to do with Native Americans at all. It was her sisters who exposed her by the way, hinting at a level of family dysfunction familiar to the Markles. And proof positive that some people think adopting the mantle of victimhood will get you ahead. Littlefeather made history for her Oscars speech (Image: Getty)According to scientists, using baby talk to your cat helps you bond better than using a normal tone of voice. I used to say, ‘Oos a little fluffykins!’ to the late and much lamented Mrs Peel. She would give me a nasty look and slink behind the sofa.’It’s suppertime!’ meanwhile, would get you knocked down in the mad rush to the food bowl. Whatever tone you use, just pander to their self-interest. Honestly, it is the only language they understand.German is a language in which the nouns are gendered (like French, come to that, and many more) and so it was only a matter of time before Cambridge University started encouraging students to speak ‘inclusively’. This entails some form of pidgin Deutsch, which no native German speaker would ever use.So, dumbing down, teaching (for 9,250 smackeroos a year) a totally incorrect form of the language and making Britain seem an even more badly-educated bunch of philistines than we already are. Cambridge was my alma mater. I am beginning to feel ashamed.Fergus MacLeod, the British head of investor relations at Saudi Aramco, spent almost a week in jail following time at a yoga retreat in India.For one blissful second I thought perhaps that fine country was going to outlaw hippie pursuits altogether, before reading that the reason for his arrest was that he brought with him a satellite phone, illegal in India without government permission. Shame. Altogether now: ooooom…