If it ain’t broke don’t fix it

King Charles is presented with the Crown of Scotland (Image: Getty) The Republican movement in this country remains tiny but still attracts its share of idiots. Their problem is that, like so many with a single obsession, they have not thought their idea through to its logical conclusion. So let me have a go. The British monarchy is not a man or a family but an institution. If you abolish a national and age-old institution you have to answer three questions. One: Was it vital and will it have to be replaced? Here, the answer is yes and yes. The monarchy is the headship of state and every state in the world – bar none – has a headship. Number two: What are the alternatives? So far, right across the planet, there is only one. This is a republic and a republic has a president. So, at Three: What kinds of presidency are there? Well, there are two sorts: titular and elective. Number one produces an obscure figurehead living in a palace in the capital, trotted out on state occasions and shaking a few hands. Otherwise almost always a complete nonentity. Germany is large and rich but, be honest, are you sure you recall who is the president? No, not Olaf Scholz; he’s the Chancellor or prime minister. Well, Italy? Austria? Greece? Or there is the elected president who may well be so controversial as to tear the unity of the country apart. Glance west across the Atlantic and shudder. Biden or Trump? A much shorter glance; gaze at France and squeal. La Belle France under Macron is not very belle at all. Of the 200 (approx) countries in the world, some are quasi-dictatorships where the presidency has been seized and held with rigged elections and/or brute force. And then there is us, along with Norway, Sweden, Denmark, Holland, Belgium, Luxembourg and Spain in Europe and the Commonwealth worldwide. There is a wise old saying: if it ain’t broke don’t fix it. Meaning, don’t meddle. A stable and humane democracy headed by a humane and moderate monarch has suited us for a very long time. And if it wasn’t envied by billions across the globe what are all these boats doing scuttling across the Channel? Perhaps our Republicans would be wise to shut up. Anti Brexit Protest (Image: Getty) Our still hyper-active Remainers, those who believe our leaving the EU (or pretending to) was a grievous mistake and should be reversed, are facing a growing quandary. With rare exceptions they are politically of the Left, with Keir Starmer and Labour finally coming out of the closet and declaring its Euro-enthusiasm. But vote after vote across the EU is declaring itself further and further to the Right, in some cases the Far-Right. As Sherlock Holmes might judge it: a three-pipe problem. Boris received a public grilling (Image: Getty) The now departed Lord Goldsmith and I would be unlikely, on the subject of his eco-obsessions, to agree on the colour of the sky on a sunny day. Nor is there much more common ground on the EU – he is a passionate Remainer, I a Brexiteer. And he is a dedicated fan of Boris Johnson – who completely disenchanted me during Covid and ever since. But on this at least we are at one. Harriet Harman’s slanted report from the Privileges Committee definitely qualifies it as a kangaroo court. There are three (at least) principles of British justice I had thought were sacrosanct. One, the accused shall be held to be innocent until proved guilty. Two, the accused shall be entitled to a full hearing to defend himself, and three, the court shall be fair and unbiased. On the issue of whether BJ attended (let alone organised) a few convivial drinks or ate a bit of birthday cake during lockdown, La Harman’s committee had him guilty, hanged, drawn and quartered, and very publicly so, before he had got his trousers on. They announced this guilt before he had spoken a word in self-defence. The idea that he got a fair hearing from Harriet Harman’s committee is as likely as a bunch of vegans sitting in judgment on an underdone steak. If La Harman and her crew are the new arbiters of British justice we are all in doo-dah. Water companies are being exposed for sewage pollution (Image: Getty) Right across the country, our water companies are being exposed and about time too. It is long overdue. The job should have been done years ago by Ofwat but that, it seems, is just another bone-idle quango living off the taxpayer. The researchers are non-government investigators, and their revelations are shocking. Staggering salaries at the top end – I have seen £4million per annum mentioned and not denied. Sky-rocketing prices for the long-suffering users – and water is not an option; it is vital and unavoidable. The average cost-per-family-home per annum is about £450. Of this, £215 is for water alone, the rest for sewage. Revelations show that leaks must have cost hundreds of millions. Sewage overspill and other slime have polluted our rivers and streams where we used to swim and fish trout in complete safety. Ofwat, it seems, was just staring at the sky. Faced with all this the Government is as usual flapping like a disturbed chicken coop. Renationalisation is not the answer – another army of bureaucrats we do not need. But we do need the recruitment of a tough tycoon who has proved their worth in the private sector and can act without 50 forms and ten committees to help them order a coffee. There are such people but they have to be headhunted and convinced to serve their country rather than their fellow-directors and the shareholders. Cricket star Ben Stokes (Image: Getty) Those whose stomachs are too sensitive to watch a bullfight were well advised last weekend not to watch the Second Test at Lord’s. The Australians played the role of the matador in an especially bloody corrida, dancing round sad and bewildered England as the bull bled from every cut. I for one lost count of the catches taken by the green caps and dropped by England. Day Five was different. A brilliant 155 by Ben Stokes hinted England might yet pull victory from the jaws of defeat. Then he went and England reverted to type, throwing away the last four wickets for a handful of runs and losing. At least the English strip got one thing right. The three lions depicted were not rampant but couchant – as in half asleep. For what it is worth, my hearing is still pretty good. The last test gave me about 90 percent of optimum for my age. But I absolutely endorse the complaints of those objecting to the absence of subtitles in TV dramas and documentaries. Back in the day actors and narrators were theatre-trained and taught to face the audience and project the voice to reach the back of the gallery. Today, young actors know there is a boom-mike just above their heads and the camera registering every tiny expression. So the temptation is to turn away, drop to a whisper, or seek ‘authenticity’ with a strong regional accent. Or try to be Marlon Brando and just mumble. Too often, I switch off or switch over, muttering ‘What the hell are they talking about?’ Research reveals more than 50 percent may be doing the same thing. Who has the right to object to this? Well, the advertisers. They have paid millions to fill the commercial gaps with adverts and it is their money that makes the programme viable to make. But they are being short-changed if up to half their audience has switched off or changed channels because the filming company is too stingy to afford subtitles. Tiresome though it may be to sit through those commercials, there would be precious little but the weather on our screens without them. Time for the moneybags to speak up for us all.