Carer of autistic son says authorities caused ‘suicidal thoughts’

Damien and his son Alex (Image: Damien Lane/ Magnus News )A dad caring for his autistic son has written a book revealing how the attitude of society towards his role as a male carer drove him to suicidal thoughts. Damien Lane has penned a powerful novel about the reactions he has received to having to work his life around the complex needs of his 19-year-old son, Alex. In his book Kit Kats and Fishing Rods, Damien details his feelings that the freedoms that women have worked so hard to achieve for themselves seemed to be lacking for male carers.Teacher Damien, 52, said childcare authorities, schools and workplaces often seemed to not understand or totally ignore his needs as a man caring for a blind and autistic child.Incredibly during the last 19 years of his son’s life Damien also said he found prejudice against male carers from organisations specifically set up to help disabled children and their parents.Damien, from Newport, South Wales, said his voice as a male carer was no more important than that of a female carer but that he believes it is a voice not being heard.Troublingly, the dad-of-two said at times the prejudice he feels he has faced as a man has taken his mind down dark paths.’It drove me to suicidal thoughts,” he said. Damien’s son Alex (Image: Damien Lane/ Magnus News )’Being a male carer adds another dimension altogether. I have been at meetings where I have been looked past, same for hospital appointments.’This is a world dominated by women both professionally and in terms of the parents. In some ways that is totally logical as women have borne the main burden of this work on a family level traditionally.’Overall, it’s a gut feeling. Searing eyes into your back as you have to leave work early because of issues with your child, the general lack of proper arrangements for parents as a whole and carers more specifically. And that so many people still do not seem to understand that men can care too.’We need to encourage boys and men that this (caring) is good to do and we need to forge positive role models in this regard.’Equality comes by saying it’s great for women to work and men to care. Personal choice. But that has to be backed up by true equality in work and family law. What could be more honourable than looking after your children?’Damien, who lives with his wife Dilek and daughter Naïa, said even siblings can be overlooked when one child has specific needs. Damien said Alex’s sister Naïa was given the last word in the book.READ MORE: Border Force union threatens Christmas strike  Damien and his son Alex (Image: Damien Lane/ Magnus News ) Damien and his son Alex (Image: Damien Lane/ Magnus News )He said: ‘All children change the lives of their parents, but Alex was to have profoundest impact on ours.’My wife and I have two children and we try to share the responsibilities of caring equally, but sadly I found some places were not as accommodating to me as a male carer.’In the book, which he originally intended to write as an MA thesis, Damien describes how his life is turned upside down.He said: ‘It spans the time from Alex’s birth in 2003, until he moves into supported living in 2021.’In truth, I had no choice but to change from being career focused to something that could often be frowned upon by the establishments I worked at.’I had a really successful year before Alex came along. As a teacher, I mainly taught subjects that appealed to girls.’In fact, I probably helped more girls secure university places than boys. I even set up the girl’s school football team. But when Alex was born I was completely unprepared for what would happen next.’Becoming a dad gave Damien a staggering perspective on the role of men in society. Some of the freedoms that women had worked so hard to achieve for themselves seemed to be lacking for male carers, he said.DON’T MISS: Girl left traumatised after savage dog attack  Alex and sister Naïa (Image: Damien Lane/ Magnus News)Damien said he truly believes that if he had been a woman in the same working environments he would have been cut more slack.Surprisingly, Damien said it wasn’t just the world of work where he found challenging attitudes but also from organisations specifically set up to help children with disabilities.He believes that some organisations have gender specific tunnel vision; almost a mild form of institutionalised prejudice, where the mother can quite often be the seen as the legitimate parent.He said: ‘Women have fought hard for rights, especially childcare provision, but often these same rights appear to be unavailable to men. I don’t want extra provision for men, just a level playing field.’There has been much talk of men who do not stay with their kids. That’s a very valid point. But most of us do. And ours is not a voice that is heard.’I just want to tell that story. My voice is no more important, but the voice of men is no less important either.’Damien said his book also detailed the joy for the family of raising and living with a unique child like his son Alex.He said: ‘Alex has changed my life and given such joy to both of us. His life has been one of ups and downs. As a child he loved Thomas the Tank Engine, and would try to emulate his hero by walking in straight lines.’It was such a joy when he learned to swim, or used the toilet on his own, but occasionally things were quite difficult; sometimes people could be quite unpleasant.’The most difficult time for me was when Alex lost his sight, a loss that will burn with me to my dying day.’Despite Kit Kats and Fishing Rods being a difficult, challenging and uplifting read, Damien hopes that it will shine a light on the dutiful work of male carers, where society recognise the importance work done by both genders.He said: ‘I have many good friendships that have come as a result of being a carer.’But we have to move away from gender stereotypes so this will help women and men equally. Then we have to change the parameters of the debate to become more positive. If a woman can have a career, then a man can care for children.’I want to get our voices out there. There was an idea to work on the lives of men locally who are affected. They are from a really diverse range of backgrounds. Our story is undersold and undersold. My lived experience is no more valid than anyone else’s but neither is it less valid. Men are not deserving of more praise but they are deserving of equal recognition.’