 Or, as you yourself suggest, did he simply agree with you that the chemistry wasn't that great, and did you then – as we often do in times of sadness and moments of high emotional stress – extrapolate from this that you are, in fact, bad in bed? We have a tendency to hear a negative and then let it burrow into our brains until it takes up residence, adding it to the flock of negative thoughts that circle – like planes stacked over Heathrow – to make us feel wanting. Emilie's therapist calls this her 'lizard brain': the part of the brain in charge of primal instincts, rather than rational thought, that makes us instinctively fall back into bad habits and unhealthy responses. You: 'I feel terrible today.' Your lizard brain: 'I know. Let's focus on how bad you are in bed, then.' We can get stuck in this negative loop when it comes to affairs of the heart. Oh, the pressure we put ourselves under! How many of us have been set up with someone, find that we don't fancy them, and just think, 'That's a shame'? But if we discover that they also don't fancy us, we think, 'What is wrong with me?', rather than, 'OK, the connection wasn't there.' We don't allow ourselves off that hook. We are less than. And another thing (we're on a roll now, Shaken) never assume truths abou){kind=link}
How do I know? I feel so rattled that I don’t think I can look for a new relationship
During our breakup, my ex-boyfriend suggested that I was bad in bed. At the time, I thought that he was just being bitter – the sex had never been that great, anyway – but recently I had sex with someone I met through an app and he hasn’t contacted me again. If I’m honest, I felt pretty insecure about it when we were having sex, but now I am really worried. Am I bad in bed? How do I know? I feel so rattled that I don’t think I can look for a new relationship.
–Shaken
First, we need to check something. Was your ex the kind of goon who would say: “And another thing: you’re bad in bed!” as he slammed out of the room? (If so, we should probably disregard his perspective on this or any other subject.) Or, as you yourself suggest, did he simply agree with you that the chemistry wasn’t that great, and did you then – as we often do in times of sadness and moments of high emotional stress – extrapolate from this that you are, in fact, bad in bed?
We have a tendency to hear a negative and then let it burrow into our brains until it takes up residence, adding it to the flock of negative thoughts that circle – like planes stacked over Heathrow – to make us feel wanting. Emilie’s therapist calls this her “lizard brain”: the part of the brain in charge of primal instincts, rather than rational thought, that makes us instinctively fall back into bad habits and unhealthy responses.