When live telly goes turtle…It’s never as bad as you think, says Judy Finigan

Lorraine Kelly apologised on air (Image: Shutterstock) My heart went out to Lorraine Kelly this week when her guest Damian Lewis airily described his hit new TV series Billions as ‘a show about a***holes’. Hmm. That it may be, but the mid-morning coffee slot (back in the day my old alma mater, This Morning, was routinely described as ‘coffee-time television’) is no place for such language. Lorraine swiftly cut in, explaining: ‘I’ve just been told we have to apologise for you saying a-hole.’ Damian took it on the chin, saying: ‘I apologise to everyone at ITV, and to everybody watching. I’m well brought up, really.’ These instant, on-air apologies for four-letter language are actually quite complicated verbal dances. I had to make a fair few in my time, and to satisfy the ever-watchful industry regulator, Ofcom, they must be prompt, unequivocal and – this is the crucial bit – fully endorsed by the foul-mouthed one. Obviously Damian is an old pro and he rolled over obligingly when Lorraine waved her sorry schtick. But not everyone knows the steps. Richard tells me the first live on-air apology he had to make was on his local radio breakfast show, during a report from the picket line of a council strike. ‘Why are you here?’ Richard asked the shop steward above a hubbub of chants. ‘Because the council are w*****s! I’m sorry you said that,’ Richard stammered, forgetting the precise wording of the apology required. ‘Why?’ asked the man, surprised. ‘It’s true! And anyway, you asked me.’ The broadcast did not end well. My experience with a reluctant apology came years later, on This Morning. We were interviewing Anna Chancellor, who starred as Duckface in Four Weddings And A Funeral. We showed the wonderful clip where Duckface right-hooks Hugh Grant’s reluctant bridegroom at the altar; then my husband opened the interview, as so often, on a complete whim. ‘Why was your character called Duckface?’ he demanded. ‘There is no reason given in the script.’ ‘Oh,’ Anna replied, ‘it’s probably because at uni everyone called her ‘F******e’.’After a frozen moment I began to deliver the Ofcom apology but Anna interrupted when she realised what I was saying. ‘But it’s TRUE, Judy. She would have been called ‘F******e’!’ Then, seeing our appalled faces, the penny dropped and she wailed: ‘Oh no, I’ll never work again!’ Of course, she did. And swear again too, I’m sure. One thing you learn when live telly goes turtle. It’s never as bad as you think. New Covid variant spreads (Image: Getty) Imagine an intravenous drip that sucks out, rather than pumps in, energy. Meanwhile, a tight strap around your temples that gives you a thudding head. Oh, and some sort of pill that makes you feel nauseous for hours. That’s the new Covid variant in all its glory. The headache and sickness are variable but the chronic lack of energy is pretty universal, certainly in our family. Richard and I went down with the latest strain three days after arriving for a late break in France (we must have picked it up on the plane or at the airport). There’s no temperature to speak of but you certainly feel in the grip of it. Your appetite vanishes too – along with a taste for wine. Richard hardly touched his for half the week, which as he said, here in the vine-cloaked Provence valleys, is practically a crime. If you get it, here’s the prescription: plumped-up pillows, paracetamol and lots of water. And all the sleep you can snatch. What on earth is going on up in Loch Ness? What on earth is going on up in Loch Ness? They haven’t had a summer like it in as long as anyone can remember. Eight sightings of a mysterious ‘something’ in almost as many weeks. Depending on who you talk to, it’s a giant eel, a lost Atlantic sturgeon (a giant one, naturally) or seals and otters frolicking just-so to impersonate one or more of the famed ‘humps’. Now Eoin O’Faodhagain (a veteran Nessie-watcher) has filmed a large black mass (‘Fifteen or 20ft would not be an exaggeration’) breaking the loch surface at 11am on August 27. ‘I won the lottery with this video clip,’ he said. Hmm, yeah… but not one of the BIG prizes, eh, Eoin?